The crimes of the past will come to haunt you…

I just looked through the various portfolios I compiled throughout the course of my Creative Writing degree. I’ve come to loathe some of the texts, some are in dire need of a rewrite (and have been posted on this blog - they might just disappear some day), whereas others still amuse me quite as much as when I wrote them.

One example of the latter is a three-parted aubade I wrote for my poetry class. Mind you, the feedback I got on my poetry portfolio was actually quite bad. I think, the problem was that my poems are often far too obscure and sinister for their own good, which is probably the reason I stopped writing them. And yet, I like reading them because I know the intention behind the poems, and I suppose everyone who’s steeped in English literature and geek culture will be able to relate to them in some way too. I know. How eclectic…I promise, I’ll do better in the future.

Anyway, the aubade:  

Multiple Morning Songs

Morning.

I feel the sun

Wrap me loosely in light

And remember the night we wrapped

Ourselves

Into each other; you are still asleep.

Silently, I start to

Unwrap myself

And leave.

-

Morning.

The seagulls scream

Murder as I caress

Your white skin with my power saw.

Trash bags

Devour your guilt-ridden limbs.

We just dated online,

You can’t say you

Knew me.

-

Morning.

I help you dress

In down-soft kisses; you

Embrace me with thousand arms and

Whisper

Softly that you have to leave for

Work. Understanding, and

Tied to the bed,

I wait…

Competition

It’s been ages since I’ve last posted anything on tumblr. 

To be honest, I think in digging further and further into my well of creativity, I hit rock bottom. No one ever tells you how exhausting a degree in Creative Writing is. 

I was worried, of course. What if that was it? What if I’ll never be able to write anything ever again?

But I realised I just needed a break.

A long one.

About 6 months, as it turned out.

And now I’m better. I started digging a new well, which is hard work but pays off.

I’ve been working on a short story for a few weeks now. It’s only about 2,800 words long but this time, I want to do it right. Later today, I’m going to enter it into a short story competition. 

At the moment, I’m really nervous. Doubt’s attacking me from all angles: grammar, spelling, sentence structure, story arc, the idea it’s based on…

I’ve just finished another draft. It should be fine now. But I’m very tempted to just keep working on it. But I won’t. 

One more read-through, and that’s it. 

Fingers crossed and let’s just hope the judges will like it. 

Wooow

Wow. It’s been ages since my last post. Lots has happened.

I’m not a student anymore.

I’ve moved back to Austria. I’m now living with my parents again, after 7 years.

Most importantly, I’ve handed in my script. Well…the first 75 pages of it. Unfortunately, there is a page limit, handing in more would have meant a serious mark-down.

Wait a sec.

Did I say UNfortunately? 

To be honest, it might have been a blessing. I could forget about the wobbly ending and instead focus on what I had already written, edit, and improve it. At least that’s what I hope. 

Coming to think of it, there’s so much I’d like to change about my screenplay. I need to add more depth to the world in which it’s set without getting lost in it. It’s not a novel. Though now I’m starting to think that I might have fared better with a novel…? Doubts over doubts…! 

My supervisor had been incredibly imprecise with all the formal details of the hand-in. Of course, if anything went wrong, it will be all my fault…how dare I rely on my supervisor for information?!

So basically, my mark could range from a mere ‘pass’ to ‘merit’. ‘Distinction’ is highly unlikely, and yes, I’ve done the maths. No way I get more than 90% on an unfinished script. Do I REALLY care about the mark? 

Well, yes and no, depending on what the future holds for me.

What’s my plan?

For the next couple of months, I don’t really have a plan. Find a job? But what kind of job? One that pays well? One that allows me to keep writing? One that gets me back into university as a PhD student?

I just know that I NEED to finish that script, that I NEED to enter some competitions. I NEED to get out of here…get my life back. Writing is so much harder without a life, without friends…

Another question is what am I gong to do with this blog? Initially, I started it to document my progress throughout my year in Exeter. I’m not in Exeter anymore. I’ve left the yellow brick road of academia…well…for now. 

I guess from now on, it’s just going to be more project-oriented than before. Now it’s getting serious. It’s about trying to earn a living as a writer. And I have no idea where to start, except finishing that script.

Endings and Beginnings

This week I started writing my screenplay. The ACTUAL film script. Crazy, I know. 

Especially, because I’d planned on finishing my first draft by the end of last week. To be fair, I’ve ‘completed’ the treatment for the first three acts out of five. About 15 000 words of my madness turned story.

The inverted commas around ‘completed’ serve the purpose of underlining that you’re actually never really completing anything when you’re in the process of writing something.

If you can start the process at all. 

I had jotted down ideas, created step outlines, even drew some of the scenes. But I just couldn’t start writing my treatment. I couldn’t begin at the beginning.

So I decided to begin with the end. 

Don’t get me wrong, the foundations were laid, I knew my characters and where they would be by Act 5. I knew roughly how the story was going to end.

Sometimes it’s just much easier to trick yourself into thinking that you’ve already accomplished something that you just need to finish off with a final chapter than overcoming horror vacui. 

I am pretty sure I won’t be able to keep much of my Act 5 treatment but some basic ideas are there, some scenes that could still work quite well, and the general warm feeling that there is an end to my story.

As soon as I had written the first couple of hundred words, I knew how to begin.

Fairy tale, of course; narrator to stick to the genre; discrepancy between showing and telling to make it more interesting. My main character at home, at work, at peril. Motivation. Magic. Act 1 had it all.

When I finished the treatment for Act 1, I was proud. This would be a version very close to the final product. How naive…

Now that I’m writing Act 4, I KNOW FOR SURE that Act 1 needs some major redrafting for the script. As do Acts 2, 3 and 5. And 4. 

Despite months of planning and research, revision and editing cannot be eliminated from the writing process. And it probably shouldn’t.

The further you progress with your story, the more you learn about it, about your characters and about yourself.

Your brick-vision that sees walls to run into rather than doors that might lead into another direction.

Your characters’ voices that sing in unison rather than (dis)harmony. 

Your story’s lack of backbone.

Of course, revision and editing have come to an end too. Preferably before the deadline.

I have a little less than a month left to finish my screenplay and revise it from beginning to end.